She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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