when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
