when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
