I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
