I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
