he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
they need to just BURY HIM!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize