I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
