i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
They are going to name an STD after you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
