i think my mom watched the whole time
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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