Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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