K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
