i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
