Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
