He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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