Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
