I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
