He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
