She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
