Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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