Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
