I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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