she woke up with a sticky ear
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
