it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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