i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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