I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
