i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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