He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
