Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
