just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
