Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
