If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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