onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
