You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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