I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
