I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
