hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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