the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
