i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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