would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize