we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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