I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize