Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
