i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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