Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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