I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
