my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
