Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i think my cat just said my name.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
