I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
