So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
