i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
