hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
