I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
