First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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