no, he came in my armpit
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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