I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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