found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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